So, The Toronto Maple Leafs want to trade for Eric Gudbranson? Well, Leafs fans...there's something you should know...
So, the rumor is circulating that the Toronto Maple Leafs are looking for a penalty-killing defenseman and are in talks to acquire Eric Gudbranson from the Vancouver Canucks...
COOL! No problems here! But Leafs fans, listen up, gather around the fire and let me bend your ear with a tale of woe and horror, let me spin the terrifying fable of:
Dim Jim and the Jolly "Non-puck handling" Giant
By Donal "terrible D" Finn
Harken ye douche tools of T.O! For the story starts now....
Eric Gudbranson...that big hunka hunka nasty, your girlfriend probably loves him (And may should he be traded to your town) Could he be the defenseman you covet? Still remembering his macho death threat issued against your own Matt Martin? A few more of those might be worth your girlfriend? Right? We all need to make sacrifices if we're going to win a cup after all...
Besides I like death threats, so do you, I think we can both agree the NHL could use MORE death threats. Well, here's Mr. Death threat himself! And he could be ALL YOURS to threaten lives all over the greater Toronto Metropolitan area
And Yes! he plays on the P.K...well PLAYS might be stretching the point just a little, and this is the plot twist that turns this fable into a tragic comedy...You see Leafs fans, there is something you should know....
...and remember this is coming from a Canucks guy who hates your guts, revels in your every failer wishes you nothing but misery and pain till time it's self-knows the dark reaper of death....
Here's the deal......
.....Eric Gudbranson can't play Hockey......like, not at all.
As in, YOU are probably a better hockey player than he is.
He's in the league because FLA drafted him. They can appreciate a good-looking guy with charisma who fights, and therefore drives name recognition, female fan interest and ultimately ticket sales...but hockey? NOPE SORRY! Now you are asking too much.
He ended up on the Canucks after an "Epic trolling" (Do the kidz still call it that? Did I date myself?) of Jim Benning by Dale Tallon, who used the "FLA Bubble" atmosphere (No one gets in, no one gets out) and his control over the local hockey media to float B.S stories about how Gudbransson had become their best defender, it wasn't true but the local media were willing to let him plant B.S stories. Then before anyone thought to verify those claims, Tallon calls Benning IN THE 2nd ROUND OF THE PLAYOFFS to specifically trade his BEST DEFENSEMAN to Dim Jim, who fell for it hook line and sinker.
Remember that trade? If you don't, go look it up and tell me something weird isn't happening, trades NEVER happen in the 2nd round of the playoffs, and in this era of "Defenseman! We need Defensemen! Puck moving! oh gaawwd! Yesssss!) what GM finishes two weeks of fluffing his "BEST DEFENSEMAN'S" tires, during a playoff series no one was watching but everyone was hearing the sound bites from, where he was supposedly the best player on the ice, by immediatly picking up the phone and TRYING TO TRADE HIM! Yes, Tallon called Benning, specifically to trade him Gudbranson. I think it was a case of Tallon thinking "he can't be as stupid as people are saying" then finding out, Benning was in fact, EXACTLY that stupid.
The thing is, for the above-mentioned reasons Tallon wants Gudbransson BACK. FLA like him, he gets chicks to the games and they get to pick up his scraps, since he left, Florida Panthers games are the proverbial Sausage factory, the fans like Gudbranson, they miss death threats and aren't buying tickets until they get some. He can't play but no one in Florida can tell, Dale wants his man back, Huberdeau isn't getting anyone any action, he can't even get himself any chicks (Florida chick: "Hee hee, you talk funny, are you mentally handy-capped?" Huberdeau: "Le Talbernac!") Tallon wants to bring his "Fan embassador" home.
Tallon knows Dim Jim is dumb enough to offer Gudz a huge contract, but he needs to get the word out to Guddy that they will re-sign him in 2018 when he is a UFA. Tallon is too smart to risk a tampering charge (Something Jimmy has a few of) So Dale concocts a NEW plan. Enter: The Demures trade
Dale calls Jim, and offers him Jason Demures for Guddy, he knows Demurs won't waive his N.T.C to go to Vancouver, he also knows that Jimmy would be ALL OVER that deal now that he knows Guddy can't play.
Then... SHOCK! Demures blocks the trade and somehow, someway the story LEAKS TO THE MEDIA!
Now Tallon has sent Gudbransson the message, "Don't sign a multi-year deal, play for one more and we'll bring you back" without ever risking a tampering charge.
Tallon has played Benning like a fiddle for two years now, Benning has finally caught on that Tallon is months away from having ALL THE ASSETS from that ill-fated trade and from him looking like the dumbest GM in NHL history (Too late)
So, if you want some tall good-looking guy who might punch a face once in a while, be my guest, trade for him, Benning is DESPERATE right now to get ANYTHING for him, and I do mean DESPERATE
But know this:
1. He can't play hockey
2. He's going back to FLA next year regardless, he's not stupid and knows there is no other NHL team who could consistently play him without being asked why he isn't being sent to the ECHL
So yeah, please trade for him, I'll enjoy watching you SUFFER!!!!
COOL! No problems here! But Leafs fans, listen up, gather around the fire and let me bend your ear with a tale of woe and horror, let me spin the terrifying fable of:
Dim Jim and the Jolly "Non-puck handling" Giant
By Donal "terrible D" Finn
Harken ye douche tools of T.O! For the story starts now....
Eric Gudbranson...that big hunka hunka nasty, your girlfriend probably loves him (And may should he be traded to your town) Could he be the defenseman you covet? Still remembering his macho death threat issued against your own Matt Martin? A few more of those might be worth your girlfriend? Right? We all need to make sacrifices if we're going to win a cup after all...
Besides I like death threats, so do you, I think we can both agree the NHL could use MORE death threats. Well, here's Mr. Death threat himself! And he could be ALL YOURS to threaten lives all over the greater Toronto Metropolitan area
And Yes! he plays on the P.K...well PLAYS might be stretching the point just a little, and this is the plot twist that turns this fable into a tragic comedy...You see Leafs fans, there is something you should know....
...and remember this is coming from a Canucks guy who hates your guts, revels in your every failer wishes you nothing but misery and pain till time it's self-knows the dark reaper of death....
Here's the deal......
.....Eric Gudbranson can't play Hockey......like, not at all.
As in, YOU are probably a better hockey player than he is.
He's in the league because FLA drafted him. They can appreciate a good-looking guy with charisma who fights, and therefore drives name recognition, female fan interest and ultimately ticket sales...but hockey? NOPE SORRY! Now you are asking too much.
He ended up on the Canucks after an "Epic trolling" (Do the kidz still call it that? Did I date myself?) of Jim Benning by Dale Tallon, who used the "FLA Bubble" atmosphere (No one gets in, no one gets out) and his control over the local hockey media to float B.S stories about how Gudbransson had become their best defender, it wasn't true but the local media were willing to let him plant B.S stories. Then before anyone thought to verify those claims, Tallon calls Benning IN THE 2nd ROUND OF THE PLAYOFFS to specifically trade his BEST DEFENSEMAN to Dim Jim, who fell for it hook line and sinker.
Remember that trade? If you don't, go look it up and tell me something weird isn't happening, trades NEVER happen in the 2nd round of the playoffs, and in this era of "Defenseman! We need Defensemen! Puck moving! oh gaawwd! Yesssss!) what GM finishes two weeks of fluffing his "BEST DEFENSEMAN'S" tires, during a playoff series no one was watching but everyone was hearing the sound bites from, where he was supposedly the best player on the ice, by immediatly picking up the phone and TRYING TO TRADE HIM! Yes, Tallon called Benning, specifically to trade him Gudbranson. I think it was a case of Tallon thinking "he can't be as stupid as people are saying" then finding out, Benning was in fact, EXACTLY that stupid.
The thing is, for the above-mentioned reasons Tallon wants Gudbransson BACK. FLA like him, he gets chicks to the games and they get to pick up his scraps, since he left, Florida Panthers games are the proverbial Sausage factory, the fans like Gudbranson, they miss death threats and aren't buying tickets until they get some. He can't play but no one in Florida can tell, Dale wants his man back, Huberdeau isn't getting anyone any action, he can't even get himself any chicks (Florida chick: "Hee hee, you talk funny, are you mentally handy-capped?" Huberdeau: "Le Talbernac!") Tallon wants to bring his "Fan embassador" home.
Tallon knows Dim Jim is dumb enough to offer Gudz a huge contract, but he needs to get the word out to Guddy that they will re-sign him in 2018 when he is a UFA. Tallon is too smart to risk a tampering charge (Something Jimmy has a few of) So Dale concocts a NEW plan. Enter: The Demures trade
Dale calls Jim, and offers him Jason Demures for Guddy, he knows Demurs won't waive his N.T.C to go to Vancouver, he also knows that Jimmy would be ALL OVER that deal now that he knows Guddy can't play.
Then... SHOCK! Demures blocks the trade and somehow, someway the story LEAKS TO THE MEDIA!
Now Tallon has sent Gudbransson the message, "Don't sign a multi-year deal, play for one more and we'll bring you back" without ever risking a tampering charge.
Tallon has played Benning like a fiddle for two years now, Benning has finally caught on that Tallon is months away from having ALL THE ASSETS from that ill-fated trade and from him looking like the dumbest GM in NHL history (Too late)
So, if you want some tall good-looking guy who might punch a face once in a while, be my guest, trade for him, Benning is DESPERATE right now to get ANYTHING for him, and I do mean DESPERATE
But know this:
1. He can't play hockey
2. He's going back to FLA next year regardless, he's not stupid and knows there is no other NHL team who could consistently play him without being asked why he isn't being sent to the ECHL
So yeah, please trade for him, I'll enjoy watching you SUFFER!!!!
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