Dear Tonya Harding: The Vancouver Canucks need your help!
Dear Tonya
I hope all has been well for you since you have treated so rudely the 1994 Olympics. That wasn't such a great year for us either, and I don't see much difference between you having Nancy Kerrigan knee-capped and Mark Messier skating across the ice at the final whistle in game 6 of the Cup final to sneak attack and breakTrevor Linden's ribs. That Messier guy has a leadership award named after him now, seriously! But you STILL get no respect, well us Pacific North Westerners need to stick together so today I write to you on behalf of the city of Vancouver and implore you to come home! Come home and save us from our selves!
No, it isn't the real estate thing we're worried about, although should you feel the desire to break the knees of any multi-generational residents (If you can call living in a fridge box under the Georgia st. viaduct being a resident, HAHAHA! I knew you'd like that one) The transplanting and displacement of the cities population is going according to plan and it won't be long before we'll be charging these dummies for the air they breathe, that whole thing is going fantastic, if the wage-slave rents don't get rid of them, the phentanyl will, so that's not what the problem is, It's our Hockey team....
...Just let me know when you're done laughing.....no rush.....anyway....
Yes, The Vancouver Canucks STILL haven't won a cup. We're 2-3 on riots but 0-3 for Stanley Cups. And since our last rio...I mean, cup final, the team has gotten bad..I mean Portland, trailer park, septic tank spillage bad. I know what you're thinking, if we've been bad since then, well, we must have a ton of blue-chip #1A prospects ready to step in and light the path to glory....well, things went a little sideways there too....don't get me wrong, we have some great pieces, it's just that....well, you see one of our best pieces came from our old GM, who was fired shortly thereafter, then we had this OTHER guy take his place....I'm not saying the guy doesn't know what he's doing, just that...well...Um, I don't know quite how to put this since the P.C police are running the show up here...put it this way, The guy has a few issues, for one, he can't evaluate talent, he drafts power forwards who dominate Jr. by bullying their way to the goal, guys who have no assists and notoriously low hockey I.Q's, he drafts defencemen, with no particular, stand out ability that can either be seen or measured by stats, but he guarentees us that they are top pairing players, then they end up getting turnstiled by AHL'ers in training camp while players drafted after them are tearing up the NHL, excuse me DEFENSEMEN drafted after them....anyway, the guy has chased prospects back to Russia, trades for other prospects but then doesn't make them play for the development team that WE OWN, trades for other prospects and lets them be benched after scoring goals....(Sigh)...I could go on, but I think it's time I got to the point here...
This G.M guy lucked out once in 5 years and with a late first rounder, drafted a star...they tried benching the kid, but he was too good, now he's on a line with that other guy the old G.M got us and things are starting to turn around here, these two guys are amazing and are actually getting this team some WINS!
And that's the problem, if the G.M hadn't screwed up his other picks so badly, those two guys would have a hell of a supporting cast coming in along with one more star, and we might actually be able to think about fantasizing about a daydream in which we win the cup....
....BUT HE DID SCREW THEM UP, instead, he's signed a ragtag gaggle of has-beens and almost-was's that are desperate (For the moment) to earn an NHL paycheck, so they are actually trying to play well (the moment they are on long-term contracts that will be over, check out a guy on our roster named Eriksson) consequently, this team is in the midst of an artificially inflated winning bubble (Like the real-estate thing, we like bubbles up here) a bubble that is going to take us out of striking distance for a top pick, top talent and any hope that this era of the Vancouver Canucks will ever win a cup.
It's starting to look like something we had once, the West Coast Express era. That was when we had 2-3 top players, damn they were fun to watch during the season, but the ONLY way to win a cup is with depth, if you don't have it, your playoff opponent will key in on your 2-3 good players and your done, besides that, of those good players we had NONE were centers. I don't know if many people have figured it out yet, but center is BY FAR the most important position in hockey. Depth at center dictates the success of your franchise...we have ONE good center...
Tonya, we need MORE! More centers! More depth! More top draft picks! If we start peaking early like it seems we are that will NEVER HAPPEN, and it will be another 20 years before we are in this kind of position again where we can actually build a real cup contending team.
That's where you come in, let's get you in as an assistant coach. Well say it's to help the boys with their skating, and fighting skills, but the REAL reason will be...well, you know......
One of them is named Horvat, the other Boesser.....if they should have some kind of .....accident, nothing serious, just something that will keep them away for the season...well then, gosh darn! We sure would be bad? Wouldn't we?
Never has your particular skill set been so desperately needed, never before has a city needed so specific a hero, but it's your skill set Tonya and it's the city of Vancouver who needs the hero...
1994 was a bad year for us both, but I think if we get together and start working towards the same goals, we can heal our old wounds....(And if some new ones should get opened in the process, well, they'll have ALL SEASON to heal!)
Come home, Tonya! You'll love it here! The people are self-centered and rude, the politicians are crooked and can be bought for measly sums, and best of all...NO ONE wants to talk about 1994,
Vancouver, Tonya Harding and the Canucks Hockey club
A three-way made in heaven that you won't need a subscription to enjoy!
I hope all has been well for you since you have treated so rudely the 1994 Olympics. That wasn't such a great year for us either, and I don't see much difference between you having Nancy Kerrigan knee-capped and Mark Messier skating across the ice at the final whistle in game 6 of the Cup final to sneak attack and breakTrevor Linden's ribs. That Messier guy has a leadership award named after him now, seriously! But you STILL get no respect, well us Pacific North Westerners need to stick together so today I write to you on behalf of the city of Vancouver and implore you to come home! Come home and save us from our selves!
No, it isn't the real estate thing we're worried about, although should you feel the desire to break the knees of any multi-generational residents (If you can call living in a fridge box under the Georgia st. viaduct being a resident, HAHAHA! I knew you'd like that one) The transplanting and displacement of the cities population is going according to plan and it won't be long before we'll be charging these dummies for the air they breathe, that whole thing is going fantastic, if the wage-slave rents don't get rid of them, the phentanyl will, so that's not what the problem is, It's our Hockey team....
...Just let me know when you're done laughing.....no rush.....anyway....
Yes, The Vancouver Canucks STILL haven't won a cup. We're 2-3 on riots but 0-3 for Stanley Cups. And since our last rio...I mean, cup final, the team has gotten bad..I mean Portland, trailer park, septic tank spillage bad. I know what you're thinking, if we've been bad since then, well, we must have a ton of blue-chip #1A prospects ready to step in and light the path to glory....well, things went a little sideways there too....don't get me wrong, we have some great pieces, it's just that....well, you see one of our best pieces came from our old GM, who was fired shortly thereafter, then we had this OTHER guy take his place....I'm not saying the guy doesn't know what he's doing, just that...well...Um, I don't know quite how to put this since the P.C police are running the show up here...put it this way, The guy has a few issues, for one, he can't evaluate talent, he drafts power forwards who dominate Jr. by bullying their way to the goal, guys who have no assists and notoriously low hockey I.Q's, he drafts defencemen, with no particular, stand out ability that can either be seen or measured by stats, but he guarentees us that they are top pairing players, then they end up getting turnstiled by AHL'ers in training camp while players drafted after them are tearing up the NHL, excuse me DEFENSEMEN drafted after them....anyway, the guy has chased prospects back to Russia, trades for other prospects but then doesn't make them play for the development team that WE OWN, trades for other prospects and lets them be benched after scoring goals....(Sigh)...I could go on, but I think it's time I got to the point here...
This G.M guy lucked out once in 5 years and with a late first rounder, drafted a star...they tried benching the kid, but he was too good, now he's on a line with that other guy the old G.M got us and things are starting to turn around here, these two guys are amazing and are actually getting this team some WINS!
And that's the problem, if the G.M hadn't screwed up his other picks so badly, those two guys would have a hell of a supporting cast coming in along with one more star, and we might actually be able to think about fantasizing about a daydream in which we win the cup....
....BUT HE DID SCREW THEM UP, instead, he's signed a ragtag gaggle of has-beens and almost-was's that are desperate (For the moment) to earn an NHL paycheck, so they are actually trying to play well (the moment they are on long-term contracts that will be over, check out a guy on our roster named Eriksson) consequently, this team is in the midst of an artificially inflated winning bubble (Like the real-estate thing, we like bubbles up here) a bubble that is going to take us out of striking distance for a top pick, top talent and any hope that this era of the Vancouver Canucks will ever win a cup.
It's starting to look like something we had once, the West Coast Express era. That was when we had 2-3 top players, damn they were fun to watch during the season, but the ONLY way to win a cup is with depth, if you don't have it, your playoff opponent will key in on your 2-3 good players and your done, besides that, of those good players we had NONE were centers. I don't know if many people have figured it out yet, but center is BY FAR the most important position in hockey. Depth at center dictates the success of your franchise...we have ONE good center...
Tonya, we need MORE! More centers! More depth! More top draft picks! If we start peaking early like it seems we are that will NEVER HAPPEN, and it will be another 20 years before we are in this kind of position again where we can actually build a real cup contending team.
That's where you come in, let's get you in as an assistant coach. Well say it's to help the boys with their skating, and fighting skills, but the REAL reason will be...well, you know......
One of them is named Horvat, the other Boesser.....if they should have some kind of .....accident, nothing serious, just something that will keep them away for the season...well then, gosh darn! We sure would be bad? Wouldn't we?
Never has your particular skill set been so desperately needed, never before has a city needed so specific a hero, but it's your skill set Tonya and it's the city of Vancouver who needs the hero...
1994 was a bad year for us both, but I think if we get together and start working towards the same goals, we can heal our old wounds....(And if some new ones should get opened in the process, well, they'll have ALL SEASON to heal!)
Come home, Tonya! You'll love it here! The people are self-centered and rude, the politicians are crooked and can be bought for measly sums, and best of all...NO ONE wants to talk about 1994,
Vancouver, Tonya Harding and the Canucks Hockey club
A three-way made in heaven that you won't need a subscription to enjoy!
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